


Communications

by StarGoddess



Series: Shadow 'Verse [4]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence (post-series), BAMF Women, E-mail, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gambling, Gen, Humor, Major Original Character(s), Multi, Paintball, Sentient Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:37:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarGoddess/pseuds/StarGoddess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of emails sent to and from Atlantis, posted as they occur to me.  This is pure fluff, no seriousness involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Hazard Pay

Attachment: Security Footage from Lab 4-B

 

Dear General O’Neill,

Attached to this email is the security footage from the date in question. As stated in the previous incident report, Colonel Baran and Doctor McKay were involved in a minor physical altercation. My understanding of the situation is that one of Doctor McKay’s ~~minions~~ ~~lab monkeys~~ assistants accidently erased a large section of a whiteboard stored in the aforementioned lab by Colonel Baran. When Colonel Baran discovered the loss, she confronted Doctor McKay, who denied allegations that any of his team had done anything wrong. 

What followed was described as ‘an extremely intense, incredibly loud’ verbal argument between the two of them. (Witness statements were included with the initial report.) The verbal disagreement escalated when, in response to being poked in the chest one too many times by Doctor McKay, Colonel Baran threw an eraser at his head, which he was able to avoid. (Doctor Kessler was not so lucky and required a short trip to the infirmary. His medical evaluation was also included with the initial report.) Doctor Zelenka notified me of the situation when Doctor McKay grabbed a dry-erase marker, uncapped it, and brandished it towards Colonel Baran. Colonel Baran responded by procuring her own marker, and the two of them ran around the room trying to color on each other. 

When I arrived at the lab, Colonel Baran was sitting on top of Doctor McKay’s chest, holding him down as she drew what appeared to be an exceptionally accurate representation of an intimate part of the male anatomy on his forehead, saying that if he was going to ‘act like one’ he was going to ‘look like one’. The two were physically separated by Ronon Dex, who was also (wisely) summoned by Doctor Zelenka. 

While the situation has since been resolved, Doctor Zelenka, as well as both Colonel Baran’s and Doctor McKay’s ~~minions~~ ~~lab monkeys~~ assistants are now requesting hazard pay in response to what they are calling a ‘dangerous combat zone’ as a workplace. 

 

 

Please reply as soon as you are able with the IOA’s response.

 

Regards,

Gen. Carter

P.S. Any suggestions about how to keep the two of them under control in the future? 

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Re: Hazard Pay

 

Dear General Carter,

After viewing the previously attached security footage, the IOA sub-committee has agreed to provide a slight pay increase for anyone assigned in labs belonging to either Colonel Baran or Doctor McKay. The increase will be added into their checks at the beginning of next month. 

 

Regards,

Gen. O’Neill

P.S. Have you tried asking Colonel Sheppard and Lt. Colonel Lorne to talk them into behaving like grown-ups? They can usually manage without having to resort to physical violence.   

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Suggestions

Attachment: Audio file from Command Channel One, City of Atlantis

 

Dear Sir,

If you will listen to the attached audio file, you will hear that Doctor Zelenka tried to notify both Colonel Sheppard and Lt. Colonel Lorne before he contacted me. However, as you will hear, instead of responding in a matter befitting their ranks, Colonels Sheppard and Lorne placed bets with gate technician Sgt. Chuck Campbell over which of their respective team’s scientists would win. I confiscated Lt. Colonel Lorne’s winnings and the two of them received a verbal dressing down for participating in such actions over the main command channel. 

 

I feel like a grade school teacher. I’m thinking of switching the entire City to decaf. 

 

I found a gray hair this morning, Jack.  _A gray hair_. 

 

Do I get hazard pay too? 

-Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Re: Suggestions

 

Dear Sam,

Whatever you do, don’t take away the coffee. That will only enrage the beasts. Have you tried sending them to bed without supper? 

If that doesn’t work, inform the two of them that if they can’t restrain themselves, you will assign both Doctor Kavanaugh and Doctor Felger to work in their labs, permanently.

 

Stay strong,

Jack

P.S. You were already included in the group receiving hazard pay for working with the two ~~nutjobs~~ scientists. 

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Update ‘Project Schoolteacher’

 

Dear Jack,

Thank you for your suggestions. All has been quiet for the past week: since I reminded Colonel Baran and Doctor McKay that I had final say over their staffing choices. 

 

Ever grateful,

Sam

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Re: Update ‘Project Schoolteacher’

 

Dear Sam,

You’re welcome. 

 

Not quite omnipotent, but close,

Jack

 

* * *

 

To: Technical Sergeant Chuck Campbell, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Pool

 

Chuck,

Place my usual bet on EJ slipping ‘truth roofies’ into Rodney’s coffee and sending him to the main mess hall within the week. 

 

Thanks,

O’Neill

P.S.  I’ll collect my winnings from the previous pool next time I’m in the City.


	2. Chapter 2

To: All Atlantis Personnel

From: Doctor M. Rodney McKay, Chief Science Officer, Atlantis

Subject: Reminder!!!!

 

To all:

Atlantis has asked me to remind you that scuffing, marking, putting holes in, or otherwise defacing the City’s walls will no longer be tolerated. She knows who you are, and there will be consequences if you insist on ignoring her requests. 

 

This is your warning. 

Dr. McKay

 

* * *

 

To: Doctor M. Rodney McKay, Chief Science Officer, Atlantis

From: Doctor Jennifer Keller, Chief Medical Officer, Atlantis

Subject: Voltage

 

Rodney,

Please tell your electronic girlfriend stop shocking the new expedition members. There were two Marines and an Airmen in my infirmary this morning suffering from minor electrical burns because they accidently scuffed one of the main hallways while they were moving equipment. 

 

Behave yourselves.

Jennifer

 

* * *

 

To: All Atlantis Personnel

From: Doctor M. Rodney McKay, Chief Science Officer, Atlantis

Subject: WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

To those who ignored me the first time: 

Yes, the City of Atlantis is ‘alive’. She is a highly sophisticated AI who doesn’t like it _when you mess up her walls and floors._  While the City has agreed to cease the mild shocks as punishment, she has emphatically stated that there will still be consequences for those who don’t watch what they are doing. 

 

I tried to tell you; stop messing her up. NO MORE WARNINGS.

Dr. McKay

 

* * *

 

To: Doctor M. Rodney McKay, Chief Science Officer, Atlantis

From: Doctor Radek Zelenka, Chief Engineer, Atlantis

Subject: Water

 

McKay,

I assume influx of complaints I received due to cold showers is punishment from City for them ignoring rules? I will tell them no available engineers to fix problems for three days. 

 

Zelenka

 

* * *

 

To: Doctor Radek Zelenka, Chief Engineer, Atlantis

From: Doctor M. Rodney McKay, Chief Science Officer, Atlantis

Subject: City

 

Radek,

Atlantis says she likes you and you can have as much hot water as you like.  I’m now looking into her subroutines to see if there are faulty codes somewhere. Obviously she’s delusional if she likes you. 

 

Rodney

 

* * *

 

To: Doctor Radek Zelenka, Chief Engineer, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Work Order

 

Dr. Zelenka,

McKay was just in my office telling me that you refused to send a team to his quarters to fix his hot water. I’ll just assume he insulted Atlantis again. 

 

Better make it four days; he was extra rude today.

 

Gen. Carter

 


	3. Chapter 3

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis; Doctor Jennifer Keller, Chief Medical Officer, Atlantis; Lieutenant Laura Cadman, Atlantis; Teyla Emmagan, Atlantis; Doctor Miko Kusanagi, Sergeant Amelia Banks, Atlantis; Major Teldy, Atlantis; Sergeant Mehra, Atlantis

From: Colonel E.J. Baran, Head of Linguistics, Atlantis

Subject: Girls Poker Night!

 

Dearest girls,

A reminder that poker night is this Friday, barring any emergencies of the non-McKay variety, and will be held in Laura's quarters.  Miko has agreed to supply the beverages and I’ll be bringing the snacks.  Remember, Earth currency is not valid tender in the Pegasus Galaxy and anyone who doesn’t pay their debts within a week will be forced to do a table dance at lunch in the main cafeteria. 

 

Good luck to all! (You’re going to need it.)

EJ

 

* * *

 

To: All Atlantis Personnel

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Staff

 

To all:

Gen. Carter, Col. Baran, Maj. Teldy, Lt. Cadman, Sgt. Banks, Sgt. Mehra, Dr. Keller, Dr. Kusanagi, and Teyla Emmagan are unavailable for the entire day today (Saturday). Anyone who disturbs them does so at their own peril. 

If you have any questions for them, please direct them to Lt. Colonel Lorne or myself.

 

Sincerely,

Colonel Sheppard

 

* * *

 

To: Nurse Marie Ko, Chief Nurse, Atlantis

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Supplies

 

Marie,

Please report to Cadman’s quarters with the usual hangover remedies and two extra-large pots of black coffee. Ignore the various states of undress shown by some of the senior members of the expedition. 

 

Your discretion is appreciated,

Sheppard

 

* * *

 

To:  Colonel E.J. Baran, Head of Linguistics, Atlantis; Doctor Jennifer Keller, Chief Medical Officer, Atlantis; Lieutenant Laura Cadman, Atlantis; Teyla Emmagan, Atlantis; Doctor Miko Kusanagi, Sergeant Amelia Banks, Atlantis; Major Teldy, Atlantis; Sergeant Mehra, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Rules

 

In light of events from last week, I am adding a new rule to girls’ poker night: Miko is _never _ allowed to be in charge of drinks again. 

Also, I am taking up a collection to get Marie a very nice thank you gift. Stop by my office for details.

 

Sam

P.S. I expect my winnings to be on my desk by the end of the week or I will have Atlantis record your respective table dances and email the footage with next weeks’ update to the SGC. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

To: All Atlantis Gate Teams

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Off-World Reminder

 

To all off-world personnel: 

This is a reminder that it is not standard practice, nor in any way acceptable, to sell, trade, barter, or otherwise relinquish any member of your team to any of the indigenous peoples of this galaxy. No matter how many times said teammate is ‘voted off the island’ by expedition members. 

 

Sincerely,

Gen. Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Retrieval

 

Lorne,

Please have your team geared and ready in the gate room at 0800 AST tomorrow morning to retrieve Dr. McKay from P64-078. 

 

Sincerely,

Gen. Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Again.

 

Sheppard,

Stop selling Rodney to the natives. I don't care how annoying he's being, this is the second time this month. 

Or at least try to get a better trade next time, Zelenka said the tech you brought back was nothing more than a children’s toy.

 

Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

From: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Retrieval

 

General,

My team can be ready at 1500 today, ma’am.

 

Lorne

 

* * *

 

 To: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Re: Retrieval

 

Lorne,

Tomorrow’s fine.

 

Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Technical Sergeant Chuck Campbell, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Pool

 

Chuck,

Put my usual bet on McKay getting traded for technology a total of four times this month.

 

Carter

 


	5. Chapter 5

To: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

From: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

Subject: Guest

 

Sheppard,

Why is EJ hiding in my office behind my desk muttering to herself in what sounds like Greek and rubbing her right shoulder?

 

Seriously, come collect your girlfriend. I have work to do.

Lorne

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Guest

 

Lorne,

She’s hiding from Keller. Ronon dislocated her shoulder during sparring practice again. The two of them popped it back into place, but Keller’s trying to get her into the infirmary to check it out.  If she switches to Latin, tell Tizzy to initiate protocol ‘Violet’ and Keller will be there within two minutes. Otherwise, I suggest giving her some of your paperwork to keep her occupied.

 

Sheppard

P.S. Want to do my paperwork while you're in there?

 

* * *

 

To: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

From: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

Subject: Again?

 

Sheppard,

Should I be concerned that you said EJ dislocated her shoulder _again_ during sparring practice? 

 

Lorne

P.S. I already do most of your paperwork, sir. Do the rest yourself.

P.P.S. She's switched to Pashto, do I need to call someone?

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. Colonel Evan Lorne, Executive Military Officer, Atlantis

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Again?

 

Lorne,

Ronon and EJ both have a tendency to be…extremely aggressive during sparring practice. It’s better that they take their aggressiveness out on each other rather than the marines, since last time Keller threatened to make the entire military sit through a lesson on anatomy if she had to stitch anyone else up after sparring with either Ronon or EJ. 

 

Sheppard

P.S. You're mean, Evan.

P.P.S. I’ll send Marie with some ibuprofen. She’s the only nurse that EJ can’t bully and she’s sensible enough to take her to the infirmary if the injury warrants it. 

 

* * *

 

To: Nurse Marie Ko, Chief Nurse, Atlantis

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Code Tangerine

 

Marie,

EJ’s hiding in Lorne’s office this time.  Bring an ice pack and ibuprofen.

 

Thanks,

Sheppard


	6. Chapter 6

To: All Atlantis Personnel

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: First Annual Paintball Battle of the Sexes

 

To all:

This is a reminder that Tower 17 on the West Pier is off-limits from 2400 First-Wednesday to 2400 Second-Wednesday this week. 

All battle participants are asked to meet at the tower base at 0745 Second-Wednesday to receive their instructions and protective gear. Weapons and ammunition will be hidden throughout the tower the night before by Colonel Mitchell, Teal’c, Dr. Jackson, and Vala Mal Doran, who have also agreed to be our impartial judges. Atlantis has agreed to broadcast live footage of the battle for non-combatants on the screens being moved in to the secondary mess hall. The radio broadcast of both team’s channels will be available as well. Doctor Keller and her team will be standing by at the base of the tower, fully equipped to deal with any injuries. 

Also, a reminder to Caretakers: use of your link during the competition has been strictly forbidden.  You will be immediate disqualified and subject to severe punishment.

 

Good luck!

Gen. Carter

 

* * *

 

To: All Atlantis Personnel; Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

From: Technical Sergeant Chuck Campbell, Atlantis

Subject: Final Count

 

Final count of battle participants is as such -

Men’s team- 70 members, including Colonel Sheppard, Lt. Colonel Lorne, Drs. McKay and Zelenka, Specialist Dex, both Captains Winchester, and First Sergeant Stackhouse

Women’s team – 48 members, including General Carter, Colonel Baran, Major Teldy, Lt. Cadman, Teyla Emmagan, Sgt. Banks, Sgt. Mehra, and Dr. Miko Kusanagi

 

Odds are -

5-1: Men’s team is victorious. 

15-1: Women’s team is victorious. 

10-1: Colonel Baran shoots both Colonel Sheppard and Specialist Dex within the first two hours, dropping to 4-1 after the two hour time-mark. 

2-1: Dr. McKay gets shot by his own team. 

3-1: General Carter shoots Dr. McKay. 

6-1: Dr. Zelenka is one of the last 5 members of his team standing.

4-1: Captains Winchester and Winchester start arguing and end up wrestling with each other. 

 

All bets must be valid tender in the Pegasus Galaxy, no Earth currency is accepted. No bets will be accepted after 2600 First-Wednesday. Please see me for a full list of participants and to place your bets. 

 

Sincerely,

Chuck

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Team-building?

 

Dear Sam,

This is the ‘team-building exercise’ you requisitioned all that gear for? 

 

Jack

P.S. Your team better win, I’ve got an entire case of beer riding on this and it’s 15-1 odds.   

 

* * *

 

To: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Results

Attachments: Security footage from Tower 17 - West Pier; Audio File Channel 8; Audio File Channel 10

 

Dear Jack,

We kicked their asses, sir.  :)

It was a close battle for the first two hours, then Cadman managed to configure a new type of paint bomb and Baran got a hold of a sniper rifle. Also, it turns out, Miko is more than a little scary when given an automatic weapon: I’m pretty sure she’s the one that finally got Ronon. McKay is currently serving his punishment for cheating on P9K-340. (The one with the little old ladies that like to paint visitors faces with indigenous flora.  He has to stay there for a week.) 

 

Wish you could have been there,

Sam

P.S.  The high-pitched screams you will hear from 1508:30 to 1509:12 on Channel 10 is Colonels Sheppard and Lorne getting hit simultaneously by me and Banks, as well as one of Cadman’s paint bombs, and one shot to each of their asses from EJ’s rifle. (Don't worry, Keller got pictures of them afterward.  I'll bring them next time I'm on leave.)

 

* * *

 

To: Technical Sergeant Chuck Campbell, Atlantis

From: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Pool

 

Chuck,

Please see to it that my winnings get distributed among the winning team.  And tell Sheppard and Lorne that I'm thinking of scheduling them for additional tactical training.  They should know better. 

 

Thanks,

Jack

 

* * *

 

To: Major General Hank Landry, Head of SGC program, SGC

From: Colonel Cameron Mitchell, SG-1, SGC

CC: Lt. General J. Jack O’Neill, Homeworld Command

Subject: Schedule

 

Dear Sirs,

When is a good time to schedule the First Annual SGC vs. Atlantis Paintball War?

 

Sincerely,

All members of the SGC 


	7. Chapter 7

To: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis; Colonel E.J. Baran, Head of Linguistics, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Concern

 

Colonels,

A security patrol just found Lorne standing outside a transporter staring at the wall. The security footage shows he was there for almost twenty minutes, after coming out of the explosives lab. Have they created something bad enough to scare even Lorne? And, if so, do I need to start evacuating any parts of the City or prepare for any casualties? 

Get back to me ASAP.

 

Mildly concerned,

Gen. Carter

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis; Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

From: Colonel E.J. Baran, Head of Linguistics, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Concern

 

Carter,

Atlantis says nothing is close to exploding at the moment. Who was scheduled in the lab then? I’ll try to track them down and find out. 

 

Baran

 

* * *

 

To: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis; Colonel E.J. Baran, Head of Linguistics, Atlantis

From: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

Subject: Boom Lab

 

Ladies,

Officially, Lorne received some personal news that took him a while to process. He’s back to normal now and there’s no cause for concern. 

 

Sorry for the confusion,

Sheppard

P.S. Unofficially, Laura asked him and Radek out at the same time and they both said yes. He was still in shock when the patrol found him. 

 

* * *

 

To: Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander, Atlantis

From: Brigadier General Samantha Carter, Head of Atlantis Expedition, Atlantis

Subject: Re: Boom Lab

 

Sheppard,

Officially, I’m glad to hear to Lt. Colonel Lorne is fine, but please remind him that the USAF has strict regulations regarding fraternization. 

 

Carter

P.S. Unofficially, tell Evan that Laura likes those purple wildflowers they grow in section 32 of the greenhouse on the west pier and Radek likes the sweets we trade for on M54-709. 

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr - truestargoddess- for Stargate related things!


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